“Welcome to unraveled Inc, How can I help you- help me!?”
-Tony Lucca
Today I decided to restart my blogging here. “Back in the day”, when I was young, carefree, had such a thing as “free time” and thought being SINGLE was the biggest travesty my life would ever face- I had a blog on another hosting site – not even sure if the site is around anymore…but if it is, you should look it up- I had some good entries on there. I thought I was the Carrie Bradshaw of Staten Island. ha ha
Anyway, here I am… 5 years, a husband, 2 kiddies and 2 houses later…. blogging with only a cute scrapbook and fuzzy memories of those days so carefully examined on diaryland.com.
I was inspired to start up again after reading an a few entries posted by a woman on here Brianna (her blog www.glimpsesofgrace.blogspot.com is great- anyone reading this should check it out). She, like myself is a stay at home mom and was posting about so many things I’ve wanted to write about- but never had time or energy to actually start blogging again.
So I’ve decided to make a pact with myself to try and get back to my (once therapeutic) writing. Its definitely harder to do these days- especially now with a 3 week old…never a quiet moment, never sitting down for more than 5 minutes without a “mommy, can I have more Juice?” from my 3 year old son, or a “Waaahhhh!! I need my diaper changed” … ok so my 3 wk old doesnt speak…. but wouldn’t life be so much easier if she did?!?…. wait, would it?
As my son stands next to me bouncing a ball and telling me about how he’s a ghost, ” look mommy, watch this, watch this”… I remember that the non-speaking part, is what Im enjoying most ab my lil princess these days.
Being a mother and wife has been such a rollercoaster of emotions for me. It’s something I always dreamed about. Granted, life didn’t happen quiet in the order I dreamed it- BUT, it all turned out perfect anyway… our wedding was beautiful and my husband and my children are amazing! At the same time, its been so confusing and at times overwhelming! Which is what made me want to turn back to blogging. When I read Brianna’s blog, and felt that inner sigh of relief along with a voice saying “whew! you too?!?” I thought there should be more of us out there. Mom’s who not only talk about the good, happy stuff, but are unafraid to talk about the stuff that we hide inside- fearing we’re the only ones, and that being imperfect makes us a “BAD MOM”.
I don’t know about other women out there, but personally- becoming a mother and “surrendering” to becoming a stay at home mom has been and uphill battle- mostly self vs. self. Thing is, and believe me I’ve read all the books, and belong to all the motherhood sites and their message boards— but no one ever talks about how, post baby you go through this transitional stage, where you have to re-find yourself… and that the balance and “structured routines” they all tout about is near impossible to find and even tougher to perfect.
Staying home always seemed like it was “the right thing” to do, but still- there are days I dont feel like the perfect mother I thought Id be. I thought Id have “control” over my days, a routine that ran smoother than a starbucks latte… but, in my real world- there are days, we don’t get dressed til 2pm… days I’ll just want to scream- or cry, after listening to 3yr old ramblings and tantrums all day… and days that I don’t get around to making dinner.
Sometimes, I can’t concentrate cause Im so overwhelmed. Ill waste more time thinking of what it is I need to do… than it would actually take to just do the task itself.
I do know I am extremely fortunate and blessed that I am able to stay home with my children… and feel guilty that sometimes I secretly envy my husbands 2 hour “quiet-time commute” cause I just want to be alone!, or that some days I want to get dressed up pretty and go to work just for some adult conversation and mental challanges- instead of taking a shower, putting on sweatpants, and playing Spiderman all day.
