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I’m only Good at being Young

October 4, 2009 by · 5 Comments

Today was my birthday.

The big 2-9.

For a year, I have been asking Mr.Complicated to throw me a “P-diddy White Party” for my 29th bday, because I wanted to celebrate my last year of youth…. My last year of the decade I am clinging on to for dear life. My rational was that next year when i am (GULP) the big 3-0 … I will be hiding in my room with a box of Kleenex watching sappy 80′s movies like Beaches and Steel Magnolias feeling sorry for myself… Really, isnt it a little silly that we celebrate the I’m- old-year and not the “Im-not-old-yet” year?

Well anyway-
he “didn’t think I was serious”… so this is what I got:


I have to admit he made me laugh.. but it was not the big celebration of youth I had envisioned.
I know the whole thing sounds silly and that it doesn’t seem like a big deal to most, but although I’ve been evolving as an “adult”, as a wife, as a mother; part of me has been in this comfort zone of being “the kid”… and I’m not ready to give that up.

What’s the obsession with youth? I’ve asked myself that a lot these past few days.

Is it vanity? Maybe a little.

- But more so its just the whole life moving quicker thing.
It’s thinking of how the older I get, the older the “adults” in my family get, It’s the idea that one day I will have to figure life out on my own, picking up the phone and calling mom to pick up my bad moods, take my side and solve my problems- may not be the same, and that one day it will be me on the receiving end of those calls of “Mommy help me!” and … well, What the hell do I know???… and most of all it the reality of knowing there is nothing to be done to control any of it.And if you are new to Complicated Mama, let me give you the cliff’s notes….

I’m a bit of a control freak. I’m a dreamer, I look through rose colored glasses — not because I don’t know any better but because my heart breaks easily and somethings are too painful to face. I know it sounds crazy but sanity is never something I claimed.

When I was a teenager, I remember the days lasting forever… the birthday’s seemed to be leap years apart and now, I find the days pass faster than I can live them (or figure them out).
This past year I had to say goodbye to my father, and a childhood friend… and every time I think about it not only saddens me but, the fleeting days begin to scare the crap out of me …. “How did we get here?… how did this all happen?.. they were too young…. this isn’t how life was suppose to be”…. and so, well I just try not to think about it to escape reality.
And the older I get the more reality knocks on my door and I start having these epiphany’s that are eerily reminiscent of things “Adults” once told me. Things that at one time I heard the words but could not truly comprehend… until my lessons in life were learned. There are things in life that have left me regretful, and things that even this control freak cannot hit the undo button on… all of which I know have shaped the person I am proud to be today. However, the haunting thought of “how am I going to teach these lessons to my own kids?…”How will I tell them so that they GET it the way I didn’t, and don’t waste a day over life’s nonsense” is growing pressure that weighs a ton…. and I don’t feel a day over 21.

I think we all go through this to an extent. It happens to everyone at different parts of our lives…. my mother tells me that for her it was 25… for me, its 30…. … or maybe its 29?

“No, I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

Don’t know how else to say it
Don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate”

“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train”

Once in awhile, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train”

-John Mayer

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  • Elizabeth Norton

    Ohhh Cori, I totally understand. Mwah. Have a happy Birthday and you totally need to come to Cape May to Celebrate with me. I didnt even get a cake for my birthday this year. It sucked. I know exactly what you are thinking especially since we are the party planners.

  • Eyeglasses & Endzones

    I hear you girl..I am on the other end of 29…at the big 32. It is just sad…pure sad.

    Sorry to hear about your Dad and your childhood friend. That is really really tough!

  • Michaela

    Happy belated birthday! I'm sure this year will be great – and don't worry… it doesn't all go downhill after 30. I should know… I just turned 32 ;)

  • Complicated Mama

    Thanks for the kind words!

    I know age is just a minor detail in life. Im just having adjustment issues lol

    My mom says her 30's were her best years… and I hear 40 is the new 30…so who knows, right?

    Life is only what you make of it :)

    ((gotta write that down to tell the kids :))

  • Mrs Mo

    Hey Libra buddy! No fear on ending your 20s! I just turned 30 and feel no different! I think my 26-29s were the most shocking bc that's when I got married and had a baby. Now I'm back to (trying to) have a lot of fun!

    Enjoy the year!!