Wonder-mama no more

She would have a family, a career and friends galore; Her social calendar would be full of events and she’d attend every one; her home- spotless and her children never without a smile. She would be able to fix everyone’s problems effortlessly and make everyone happy all of the time. Yes, life would be made up of 2 simple ingredients: happiness and perfection.

When this naive dreamy eyed girl finally did grow up, she often found herself battling self vs. self conflicts to make her dream a reality. While she knew it to be true, she had the perfect husband and they were blessed with beautiful children & loving family and friends- she was riddled with anxiety trying to piece together the rest of the picture.

With a glance of her cute dwelling in pleasant middle class suburbia, and the smile that she showed to the world, you could not tell that inside she felt lost.

The kids cried a lot more than she ever thought they would, the “terrible 2′s” turned out to not be limited to just a year of ‘getting into everything’ but an indefinite sentence for a crime she couldn’t figure out and though she did not feel like nor claim to be Ms. Popularity- she found she could not keep up with neither her family’s calender nor that mound in the basement growing at rapid speed which she lovingly called, Mt. Washmore.

There were times the budget was tight… Tighter than she ever imagine it would be. Since her career had been put on hold to fullfill her family’s day to day needs (which she was ok with)- she often felt helpless to these moments but assured herself “everything was only momentary” and took deep breaths til those tough times passed.

Desperately seeking an outlet for herself to fill the void of the “office chatter” she once had, she joined the world of social media to make her feel connected to other adults who to her surprise could identify with her and also kept her brain from going to mush.

This world opened up many doors for both her and her family, to get out of the house, meet new people and do some fun things that otherwise she may not have been involved with, it kept her sane, and though she knew how important this outlet was for her, it was often percieved as “selfish”.

Still she continued trying to do it all, keep up the house, care for the family, attend everything (even if it meant spending 10 minutes at 3 functions and 3 hours in the car), keep in touch with all in her life on a weekly basis and never- EVER having to utter the word she was scared of most “NO” to anyone she cared about- the anxiety grew stronger…. and it made her emotional, and at times scatter brained… she had trouble focusing on the core of life.

She was often told she was too nice and stretching herself and her family’s time thin by the same people who passed judgment calling her a bitch & throwing sideways diggs at her the second she tried to stop.

It seemed she had become “old reliable” to many, and everyone felt as though they were the exception instead of the rule. She wanted to be mad. She wanted to scream… but she knew it was her own fault for giving them this illusion she could never live up to, and so the guilt took over as usual and the anxiety festered some more…. because as big of a “bitch” as she was, she was not confrontational by any means…and conflicts weighed heavy on her heart.

One day, when the guilt was intense, and her anxiety at its max, she woke up and realized she was no longer sure of… not so much what…. but sure who she was living for. What am I doing? How did this happen?, she thought. Her dream of being Wonder-mama, had been nothing but a nightmare. She was sure she had tried her best to do it all, to let everyone know how much they meant to her. Still it seemed not everyone was happy… SHE was not happy, and when she was not happy, she knew her family suffered too.

It was time to stand on her own two feet, she thought. This anxiety can not continue to take over my life, our life.

Though it wouldn’t be easy disappointing people with the occasional “no”, she had to hope those who loved her would understand that it was not done out of viciousness or selfishness but because she was just trying to be (for better or for worse) the best ‘mama’ she could be… and if those imperfect moments left her and her family with just each other, their calendar empty & their phones quiet… She realized that would have to be ok, because in the grand scheme of it all there were far worse things in life … and she desired to be that Wonder-mama, no more.