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Home / Notes / Class Birthday Politics Annoy Me. There- I said it.

Class Birthday Politics Annoy Me. There- I said it.

February 24, 2011 By 27 Comments

It seems Kindergarten is the year children’s social calendars get put on steroids. Every week we are being invited to someone else’s birthday party.

Who are these kids?

I do understand the “Invite The Whole Class” policy and respect it for the feelings and tears it spares, but if I am being very honest, it’s annoying. I miss Pre-school where you could request a list of class address’ and send individually. Feelings weren’t hurt and you got to have small parties with close friends.

Because here is the thing, in a class of 28 kids-  if “Party Penelope” doesn’t play with my son, does she REALLY care if he is at her birthday?  I’m sorry. I just cannot do 28 birthday parties a year. So my rule is if I don’t know the name from his school stories, I politely decline and don’t even mention it to my son who truly has no idea he’s invited anyway. I must admit I do this half hoping that when I have to invite Penelope to our birthday party- her Mom does the same. I know it sounds like an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” but it‘s courteous really, isn’t it? …I mean we are all in this crappy “Must invite a kazillion kids” battle together – right?

When it is someone my son talks about and considers a friend, we always go. But then I am faced with another bothersome situation- The uninvited sibling.  I am not sure at what age you get the green light for the the “drop off” at birthday parties and I don’t have sitters at my disposal, so when a party is during the week (which many of them are) I have the choice of either being  *that*  Mom who ditches her 5 yr old at a party or *that* Mom who totes along the uninvited sibling. And since I am not yet comfortable with “the drop off”, I always choose the latter and it stresses me out.

Don’t get me wrong- the Mom never says “No you can’t bring her” but I still feel bad because I know she’s not technically invited.  So in an effort to “blend” in and not have her draw attention to our party crashing ways, I find myself sweating bullets to keep her occupied,  killing the battery on my iPhone, fumbling for a juicebox in a handbag full of empty fruit snack packs and sitting with a little Dorito-faced girl hugging my my legs with her little cheese covered fingers… after 45 minutes.

… uh.. not that that *exact* scenario has EVER played out before… um… It ‘sounds’ Exhausting!

Sleep- Fiction. Cheese fingers- Fact

Anyway, I’m just saying when do kids get to secretly hand out invites during lunch or on the bus? When does it become uncool for parents to stay at classmates  birthday parties?

When exactly do the birthday parties get to be small and simple?


PS- I may or may not have found my purse  flooded with an open juicebox this morning.
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  • Anonymous

    J was in Kinder last year – and he had a SUPER AWESOME teacher that was sneaky and put the invites in the folders of ONLY the kids that J wanted to invite. This year, we have a brand new teacher and she is strictly enforcing the “invite all” rule … :( I might have to see if last year’s teacher will be sneaky for me! :D

    Good luck!! (We LOVE small and simple parties!)

    Sara

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      Think your Kindergarten teacher will go undercover at my school and slip invites in folders?

      More teachers should do that!

  • http://bywordofmouthmusingsandmemoirs.blogspot.com/ By Word of Mouth Musings

    Actually it doesn’t get less complicated because as the years go by and the parties become ‘smaller’ people are always left out, Mom’s call you to find out if anything offensive caused you to not invite their kid, you invite everyone and his dog or you bribe your kid with a trip out of town and avoid the party thing all together … sorry but ugh ugh and ugh … this is my world :)
    that did not make you feel any better did it ;)

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      O no! that sounds awful!!

      Bribing with vacation sounds good… at what age can I start doing that?

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      O no! that sounds awful!!

      Bribing with vacation sounds good… at what age can I start doing that?

  • Crikey mUm

    Oh geez. My gf and I were just talking about this today as her 5 yr olds party is coming up and she feels obliged to invite every kid in the class. I love Doodle741 comment above about secret invites, however my only concern is that when there are so many parties going on, someone is bound to find out you didn’t invite them and then there’s war on the playground. Aggh, I’ll be there again this year.

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      I think the secret inviting is genius!

      I mean I hate having kids feel left out, but its not always easy to invite (or attend) 28 kids to a party.
      Its a hard situation.

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      I think the secret inviting is genius!

      I mean I hate having kids feel left out, but its not always easy to invite
      (or attend) 28 kids to a party.
      Its a hard situation.

  • http://www.lifeinthebatcave.com Beth

    Can I give you my opinion? Feel free to ignore it of course. Give up on the birthday parties now. I’ve got 3 kids, ages 7,8, 10….it really doesn’t get much easier.

    This year I made the 10 year old pick only 3 friends and we had a small, fun, party with what were supposed to be his best friends. But 1 of the 3 was a kid we KNEW if we didn’t invite it would cause all sorts of problems, issues and DRAMA!

    As far as school policies go….around here it stays the same all through elementary. For invites to be handed out in school it has to be all the kids (OR all the girls for a girls party all the boys for a boys party).

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      I would love to say to my son lets just have your closest friends on the block and family… but I know hes really excited to have some of his school friends.

      Just as hes really excited to go to all the parties he’s invited to – but sometimes there’s just too many.

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      I would love to say to my son lets just have your closest friends on the
      block and family… but I know hes really excited to have some of his school
      friends.

      Just as hes really excited to go to all the parties he’s invited to – but
      sometimes there’s just too many.

  • http://www.newyorkcitysinglemom.com/ NYCSingleMom

    I miss the invite everyone birthday party. It cost me more money and caused less stress. This year has been a nightmare with girls feelings being hurt. The teacher had to actually say something to the girls who were invited to knock it off because the other girls feelings were hurt. Now its my turn and I am dreading dealing with parents who I dont invite. Next year I am going back to only inviting pre-school friends. And this only gets worse because my daughter’s number has to be coming up where she doesnt get invited to a BD party.

    If could afford it, I would seriously spend the $$ to invite 40 kids and call it a day.

  • http://www.thecentsiblelife.com/ Kelly Whalen

    In most cases it’s a lose-lose. Feelings get hurt, way too much money is spent, and like you I have often had the tagalong sibling (sometimes times 3!).

    We tried inviting everyone (too expensive), and being selective (after that my daughter stopped getting birthday party invites), so I gave up. We do a family thing, and will plan a fun trip. I don’t need the stress, and I suck at school politics-so my kids suffer.

    Best thing you can do? Have a baby in the summer-then it’s easier!

  • http://www.lifeasaceo.com Chrissymacceo

    I’m terrible with this–& I love you for writing this post. The birthday parties are out of control. Personally, I’m not a fan of the “invite the whole class” rule therefore I don’t abide by it. But luckily for me, my son’s bday isn’t until May so by then I definitely have either (a) been invited to a few parties and already have phone #’s or emails of some of the parents or (b) we’ve already had playdates so I already know how to reach them. It’s hard, though. I tell him that he can not talk about his party at school because he doesn’t want to intentionally hurt someone elses feelings. He understands and gets it, fortunately.

  • http://www.billmanson.yolasite.com William

    great post :)

  • http://twitter.com/YUMMommies Elizabeth the Great

    All of Moo’s birthday parties will be small and simple until her 16th and 18th. And when she starts school, I’m just inviting her closest friends. I will have no problems letting other parents know they their kids did not get invited because my husband and I are not made out of money. Now if some of the not invited parents wanted to chip in to help with food, decor, and location costs that would be great and then they could come.

  • Anonymous

    The expense and hassle of birthdays led us to call a party hiatus for 2011. We’ll do something special with immediate family — a dinner, a mini golf trip, etc. The dynamics of divorced parenting are enough to deal with. Birthdays made it even more complicated (the kids wanted to invite their friends, but the friends’ parents hate me because of the divorce. Fortunately my oldest is getting to an age where we can ask her to invite one or two friends to join the family activity. Yes, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt, but I think that’s just a part of life and kids need to learn to deal with it sooner than later.

  • http://ageofmelissius.blogspot.com Melissa

    I’m not aware that our school has a policy. In preschool, my son was only invited to one party. Now he’s in Kindergarten, we’ve only been invited to one party too. Which is fine by me. Due to money, we are having a small party at our house, and I told him he could invite 6 friends. He picked the ones he plays with most at school. His teacher put the invites in those kids folders for me.

    I would feel weird sending my kid to a party of a kid he doesn’t interact with. I also don’t think it is the place for the school to set a policy.

  • http://www.lifeofsaucyb.com SaucyB

    i agree and I totally know what you mean. E is 5 and i’m not comfortable just dropping him off yet either. When the school year began, there was a 1 month period where he had at least one party almost every weekend. It was expensive and ridiculous. when there were two on the same day I drew the line – he went to the one for a boy and skipped the one for the girl. they are a BIG pain.

  • http://itshardbeingperfect.com/ Ginger

    Everyone I talk to is frustrated with this. Maybe we can start some sort of club or petition to end the ridiculousness?! I’m terrified of kindergarten now. :)

  • http://www.hereinthishouse.com Elise @emjnj

    I am on the same page. There is no reason why I’m taking time out of my wide open schedule to attend these parties of kids I didn’t know existed. I decline all the time. Lets just say my wallet, sanity, and blissfully unaware children thank me.

    As per the sibling thing, I usually don’t go to a party during the double-duty hours unless I know the parents and talk to them in advance. Also most of these parties I’m invited to include both of my girls. Plus they have all been drop off optional since she turned 4. I generally only hang around if I like the other parents and chat with them. Honestly, how many of these Little Gym things can one person take???

  • Jdaniel4smom

    I sent my invites to JDaniel’s friends. The people in playgroup that he doesn’t play with will never know.

  • J.A.

    Oh my gosh, you have read my mind. Only I’m dealing with this at the preschool level. My very shy son wants to invite the whole class and I’m feeling obligated to do so because A) He actually wants to be with all of them and B) Anything that helps him get over his shyness and make friends has to be good. RIGHT?

    But it’s made the whole idea of where to have the party stressful. The moms are not necessarily ones I hang out with. They most likely will be ‘too good’ to come to my son’s party. But I still have to plan as if they will and this means finding another location for his party and such. Uggh.

    The all or nothing rule applies at our preschool and elementary school. I was able to avoid the party drama with my Kindergartener because his birthday was earlier in the school year when we didn’t quite know all his classmates.

    But funny story… one of his classmates was absent last Friday. Yet, afterschool his mom sent him to wait by the class door so at dismissal he could pass out invites to the 3 kids he was allowed to invite. My son wasn’t one LOL (no problem, just thought it was funny that he wasn’t able to come to school but was able to come later to pass out invitations.)

  • http://www.mommyfriend.com Mommyfriend

    I struggle with this all the time! The uninvited sibling is a huge issue for me! Birthday parties, I’m so over them.

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  • Jessi

    Geez I have the exact opposite problem! My daughter is in the 3rd grade and has only been invited to 2 birthday parties the entire year. Last year she wasn’t invited to any. The year before that only 1. And I invited all her classmates in 1st and 2nd grade and only 1 kid showed up both years. So for her past b-day we just kept it with family only to spare her hurt feelings when nobody decides to come to share her special day. It makes me very sad. She’s a sweet girl and I have no idea why this keeps happening to her. (which is how I found your post while looking up to see if this happens to others) So, I envy your problem. Just be happy your kid gets invited at all. Because they other side of the coin really stinks.

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      :( I am so very sorry to hear that! Yes, in our school it is school policy
      that if you hand out invites in school the entire class needs to be invited.