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Disciplining other peoples kids.

January 10, 2012 by 21 Comments

We’ve all been around a “That kid”.  “That kid” that refuses to take turns. “That kid” who is being a bully. “That kid” who is being rude… “That kid” who…. well to be completely honest is just pissing us (and our kid) off- but it’s not your kid. So what do you do?

The Mama (and Papa) Bear in us of course wants to protect our cubs. It’s normal, instinctive even- but disciplining other people’s children is a slippery slope my friends. A slope so slippery, that I flat out steer clear of it for the most part. If the parent is not around to correct their child, or just doesn’t care (because you know, there’s always those types too) I simply remove my child from the situation.

However, there are other parents who feel much more comfortable with said slope and do not give thought before reacting- and well, *that* pisses me off more than “That kid”.

Recently, we attended a birthday party at a children’s play center where we really didn’t know many other people except for the hosts.

After the kids had their fun playing, we gathered around for the ritual adrenaline detox that we parents like to call pizza and cake.  This time is an essential 20 minutes for these wee little ones who have just spent the last 45 minutes jumping around and bouncing off walls (sometimes literally) to come down from the high. They’re excited, chatty, and  quite honestly only agreeing to eat the pizza in hopes that when they’re done they can just go back to play.

During this particular detox, sitting next to my daughter was a cute little boy about 5 years old. I am not sure exactly what happened (nothing enough to pull my eye) but the next thing I know that cute little boy was being reprimanded by a very angry father of  the child sitting across from him-

Lunging over the table, finger pointing in this child’s face, speaking in his best “I’m trying not to make a scene” voice he sternly said to the boy-

“Stop kicking her chair!  You are going to knock her over… Do you hear me? Just stop kicking her chair! Because … if you don’t… (frustrated pause)… I am going to be  VERY . VERY . Angry.”

It was his tone. It was his finger waving. It was his implied threat. And worse- it was his dagger stare that lingered as if to say “meet me in the school yard  at 3 o’clock”.

The child seemed to just look at the man. No cries. No look around for his Mom. Nothing.  For a split second I thought, maybe it’s his kid. And then the woman next to me quietly stepped forward and whispered something in the child’s ear and stepped back. It wasn’t his kid. He didn’t even know him.

I cannot tell you the level of discomfort, heart break and fury I felt  all at once for this mother. Because worse than having “that kid” is having to be that parent who is so taken back by another adults behavior that they don’t even know how to react. I know because we experienced a similar situation when our son was four that left our son in hysterics and my usually cool calm and collective husband freaking out on another parent.

{{Awkward}}

Listen, kids push the limits. It’s kind of their job. And we parents are only human- we get frustrated. I’ve BEEN THERE! But its important to think before we react because lashing out on another persons child is only making the worst of an already uncomfortable situation. It has the potential to turn an issue between children into an issue between adults– and that just benefits no one.

I came across a great article in parenting magazine that addresses the issue of deciding how to handle these types of situations.

You can read the full article here, but here are my top 3 favorite tips–

  • Tread lightly. Don’t ever spank or yell, even if the child does something dangerous or destructive. Your goal is to correct his behavior, not to punish him.
  • Let the little things go. If a child knocks down a block tower or doesn’t say thank you for the homemade cookies and lemonade you made, don’t correct him. Remember: Every parent has a different set of expectations about acceptable behavior.
  • Don’t embarrass her. Never discipline a child in front of her friends. Address her as part of a group: “I can see everyone’s tired of playing this game. Let’s all take a break and sit down for a snack.”

- Originally published in the September 2008 issue of Parents magazine

What are your thoughts on disciplining other people’s kids? Do you do it?

Have you ever witnessed or been in a situation like this? How have you handled it?

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  • Niri

    I don’t like when parents don’t discipline their kids and mine has to pay a price. Having said that I would NEVER do that to any kid. I normally use my kid as an example. Like I would tell my kid to ask the other kid to please stop kicking her chair. If I had to speak to the other kid I would do so with the manners any adult would deserve and more in a ” hey honey, that is making her scared and she may fall” kinda thing. I am getting braver at calling people’s rude behavior out but most of the time I am still catching my breath from the shock of it all

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      People’s rude behavior never ceases to amaze me.  I really like your method of having your child politely ask the other child to stop. Great example.

  • http://www.mommyfriend.com/ Mommyfriend

    Whoa my God! I wouldn’t dare discipline another
    child aside from polite warnings of potential imminent danger. If I really
    thought a child was out of hand I’d either remove my child from the situation
    (because I was watching my own child), or I would advise that child’s parents
    of what was going on. That dad sounded crazy scary. No thank you!

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      Right. Polite warnings are ok. Its all in the tone.  But if a child is truly unruly, like you I usually try to alert the parents to the situation or remove my child.

  • Tina @ Life Without Pink

    WOW! I agree with Lori – I would never discipline another person’s child. I’ve been in this situation, where a child was bothering mine. I usually wait to see if the child’s parent will correct him/her. If not, I would politely ask the child to stop. I would never make a scene or make the child feel bad. Like you said, they are kids and they do this type of stuff. I’ve also witness a man {who I barely knew} yelling at my son who was then 4, for running and making his daughter “nervous”. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. Sadly I ignored it but I know I should have. Great post!

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      Making his daughter nervous or making *him* nervous??  I don’t understand that level of comfort people have to reprimand another persons child like that. Not only is it wrong- but its insulting to the parent when a person yells at their  kid and they’re 5  ft away. 

  • http://twitter.com/AMagicMommy A Magic Mommy

    OH MY!  As a parent who is also a teacher 50% of the time, I would never do that to someone else’s child. I also avoid that slope, and also remove my child from those situation.  However, if the time does arise that I would need to say something, I would just do it in a nice way, or try to redirect the misbehaving child by showing him a different toy or something to that effect.  Normally I’m a very quiet person but there has been a couple times where DH had to place his hand over my mouth and usher me away. I hate when people are nasty to children!!  

  • http://twitter.com/AccustomedChaos DevanAccustomedChaos

    This one is a weird one for me. Firstly though – i would NEVER talk to my own children like that & certainly would never dream of talking to another child that way.

    There are times though that i will — not discipline – but speak in a “parent tone” to another child. If the child is bothering my kid even after my child has asked them to leave them alone a few times (this has happened) – I will step in and tell them to stop. I would talk to them the same way I would to my own children – with respect and a respectful tone – because i really believe that is how anyone (infant, kid, adult or elderly) deserve to be treated.

    A huge peeve of mine is when other parents don’t watch the behavior of their kids. I get it – that we can’t watch them every second of the day & we can’t always predict that they will behave like we wish – but again – i would certainly not make a scene like that!!

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      I think the parent at the party was doing his best to not cause a scene, not talking too loudly- but other parents around noticed too, so I don’t think he was successful.

      I agree it is a peeve of mine too when people don’t watch their kids- especially if they are really acting out.

  • http://twitter.com/vanessajubis Mama Scribble

    Oh-Em-Gee!!! That Dad was totally on the ‘naughty’ list in my book! He needed to cool it on the ‘kid rage’ he was displaying.  

    Big ‘no-no’ and shame on any parent who goes around flagrantly attempting to discipline others’ children.  Oy, he needed a ‘time out’ for real!

    I would never do such a low class thing and I would not put up with it being done to my child either.  How awful! :( 

    Vanessa 

    • http://www.complicatedmama.com Complicated Mama

      Its such a tough topic since everyone has different beliefs when it comes to discipline- but still, for me- I favor walking away from the situation before yelling at someone elses kid.

  • Pingback: Disciplining a Child That is Not Your Own | Kid Scoop

  • http://www.thedivinemissmommy.com Stacie Haight Connerty

    Wow! I cannot believe that parent. I experienced a situation today where I felt that I really needed to discipline a child but I didn’t do it. However, I was so incensed that I immediately began writing a post on my phone. 

    That dad definitely needed to relax a little bit and least tell the parent of the child before saying something like that to the child. 

  • http://mommetime.me/ Amy

    It sounds more like the man threatened the boy … which is a far cry from discipline in my book! Like you said, it sounded like “lets meet in the school yard.”

    I’ve used my ‘parent’ voice and most of the time that works or like someone else said I will encourage my child to tell the other child if something bothers them … I think teaching and encouraging my children to resolve conflict (of course excluding the physical) is extremely important.

    Only on one occasion have I ever seriously confronted another child/parent … my kids were playing at the book store around the train table and there was this young boy really acting out, it was an uncomfortable situation because the parent kept reprimanding but not following through.  He was even being mean to this other little girl and the Mom of this little girl was sitting on the edge of her seat but didn’t say anything … well then it gets worse and boy starts bulling the girl, twists her arm and she cries … the Mom of the boy says (for the 10th time), I told you to play nice if you can’t play nice I’m taking you home. The mom of the little girl takes her daughter and leaves.

    Next, the boy starts with my 3 yo so her 6 yo sister takes up for her, but that doesn’t work … the boys Mom repeats the same thing … if you don’t play nice … I cringe … well the boy takes the train from my daughter, she gets upset; I stand up and tell him in a stern voice to give the toy back and he does.

    The Mom says to me, “Don’t speak to him like that!” Me: “well obviously what you are doing, telling him the same thing over and over again and by not following through, isn’t working and If he touches my daughter the way he did that other little girl … me and you are going to have a major problem”  She took her son and left.

    I used it as an opportunity to talk to my kids about conflict and the way we treat others .  I told my oldest daughter that I was proud of her for looking out for her sister …  and that sometimes we walk away and other times it is important to stand up to someone.

    I think for me, It is equally important, to know as a parent, when to show my children standing up for one another and confronting a situation is necessary. I have zero tolerance for bullying.

    Fabulous post by the way!

  • http://naturallyeducational.com/ CandaceApril

    Sounds like that dad was out of line. I like Niri’s suggestion…or try to walk away. An older kid was on the roof of a plastic play set and it was making me nervous so I started to get my then-toddler away and just then, the kid fell on my toddler. Fortunately my toddler’s leg was broken and not his neck. From now on, I will move a lot more quickly or say something (calmly, politely).

  • http://twitter.com/galitbreen Galit Breen

    This is such a great post and interesting topic! In general, I would never and yes, the whole thing just feels AWKWARD.

    But- there are those times when kids cross (safety) lines and parents don’t do anything- then what?

    I have no idea whatsoever, but it is uncomfortable, yes?

    Nicely done here!

  • http://twitter.com/galitbreen Galit Breen

    This is such a great post and interesting topic! In general, I would never and yes, the whole thing just feels AWKWARD.

    But- there are those times when kids cross (safety) lines and parents don’t do anything- then what?

    I have no idea whatsoever, but it is uncomfortable, yes?

    Nicely done here!

  • http://twitter.com/galitbreen Galit Breen

    This is such a great post and interesting topic! In general, I would never and yes, the whole thing just feels AWKWARD.

    But- there are those times when kids cross (safety) lines and parents don’t do anything- then what?

    I have no idea whatsoever, but it is uncomfortable, yes?

    Nicely done here!

  • http://twitter.com/galitbreen Galit Breen

    This is such a great post and interesting topic! In general, I would never and yes, the whole thing just feels AWKWARD.

    But- there are those times when kids cross (safety) lines and parents don’t do anything- then what?

    I have no idea whatsoever, but it is uncomfortable, yes?

    Nicely done here!

  • http://twitter.com/chaotic_barb Barb

    As a teacher by nature I find myself constantly correcting other peoples children. But not ever in the way described. It’s so natural for me to see a group of running kids and me yell out “hey guys, lets chillax” or something to that effect. I think the difference is that I am totally comfortable directing that to a GROUP of kids but I would never single anyone out.

    If my kiddo’s chair was being kicked I would have moved my kid. Period. Or done something to distract the other kid nicely.

  • http://twitter.com/tinysavages tinysavages

    As the mum (or mom) of a three year old boy who likes to get in other children’s faces, we’ve faced our fair share of almost altercations.  As long as you appear to be making a concerted effort to watch your child I think other parents are appreciative.  However there are always a handful that behave like bullies themselves.  It does make you wonder how their children will cope later on in life when the parents cannot always be there.