Part of my heart has once again broken.

Though I am now a grown woman, with 2 beautiful children , an amazing husband I love more than life itself- and my high school days now many years behind me, the memories seem as vivid as ever… and memories of one boy in particular will forever be embedded in my heart.

I remember when we met at a high school dance, and how instantly gushy I got over him.

Danny was a beautiful boy with the bluest eyes you have ever seen and a smile that even with his clear braces lit up a room. Even at 15 he had undeniable charisma, it was almost impossible to not love him. His raspy (mostly loud) voice was so distinct, once you heard it- you would never be able to mistake it.

I remember sitting with my friend Danielle at my grandmother’s 60th birthday and waiting with butterflies in my stomach for him to “beep me” so we could have our nightly chats til 1am (whispering so my crazy stepfather didn’t hear). I would get those butterflies every time I saw him…. and when it inevitably ended as most 15 yr old relationships do, I remember sitting on the end of my grandmother’s bed crying my eyes out, feeling a hole in my heart that I had never experienced before and thought would never heal…

but it did.

I remember how even though he broke my heart, he continued to call me, make me laugh, and became an instant part of my family. I remember when the pope came into town and he turned into a holy roller – sporting the rosary (that the pope himself blessed!) like it was the latest GQ trend….and on Danny, it some how worked. I mean, it was never a trend anyone else caught on to… but it was just one of the many things that made Danny, Danny.

A brilliant guy, and not afraid to tell you just how brilliant (or good looking) he was, he was always trying to be the best at everything he did.. which, to me- the mediocre at best student, this was both impressive and at times intimidating… espeically when it came to SAT time.

I remember when my Sweet 16 rolled around, how hard he campaigned for that 16th candle… that I of course had to make him think he was not getting (hey! he broke my heart!)… In the end I made him share that candle with another guy friend of mine. I think he was a little insulted to have to share the moment- but he nevertheless danced with me that night and walked around proud to be “#16″.

I remember when he first told me he was Gay, and how he called my mother worried how he would break the news to me. I remember how when he finally did tell me, my heart broke a little more and how he thought it was funny because my mother’s first response to him was “I know” (we all ‘knew’.. just some of us were in denial) . Instantly lightening up the conversation as he always did, he followed it up with “But I still want you to be the mother of my kids when we’re 30, and Ill support you with my millions”… and I remember how that somehow made his not liking girls a little bit more ok to me… (I mean clearly, this was ok cause I was going to bare his kids! ;) )

When Jr. Prom rolled around, there was no one else I considered. It was just Danny. Late & messing with me as always, I have a picture of me on the phone that day yelling at him cause he told me he was going to be another hour

Even though he was really walking out the door, and there 5 minutes later..

There were other guys I dated, that Danny always had to meet… and our close relationship intimidated many of them. For me, there was only 1 other guy in my high school years that perhaps came CLOSE… and believe me Danny always fought to stay on top and more important that him…. even though, you know- he wasn’t into girls and didn’t want to date me- He just wanted to make sure he was still the most special guy in my life…. and he was.

Today, my husband is the most important man in my life- and Danny never did meet him, but I do think he would have approved, although I do not think my husband would have approved of our surrogate mother deal.

Sometime late senior year, we started to lose touch. He was going away for college, we had different groups of friends and as so many childhood friends do, we just drifted apart. However our memories never left me for a minute.

I last spoke to him on the phone 4 years ago, when my son was born. Just a quick game of “catch up”… it was clear we had both changed, but it was also so nice to hear that same raspy voice he always had on the other end of the phone. We kept in touch on occasion via facebook, and then randomly 2 nights ago I dreamt of him. I couldn’t remember one detail of the dream except that he was in it.

I went to go write him on facebook the next morning to say “hey! stay out of my dreams”.. but decided against it – as I didn’t want it to be misconstrued. It was that day that I saw his post about how he was planning a trip to Africa for the big 3-0 and I smiled and thought… “only Danny”.

And then his latest update- he was going Snorkeling in the keys… his last post.

Today, I got the news of his passing- not sure of what happened… though the how’s hardly seem important to me when I think about the WHY’s??? He was so young. He was SO smart, funny, … all around great guy… it doesn’t make sense…and now my dream is just spooky.

I feel a little silly, for feeling as affected by this loss as I am; considering the time that has passed.

Our memories together, are all silly- childish… yet such a corner stone of my youth… and if I could leave a little note for that 15yr old girl crying on her grandmother’s bed- I would simply write:

“This feeling of heart break in time will pass… there will be so many happy moments with this amazing person still to come- treasure them- because this pain, this feeling of emptiness is nothing compared to the heart break your will feel when he is truely gone from this world forever.”

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“You always said how lucky YOU were that we were all friends, but it was US baby who were the lucky ones” – Rent