You know that Meredith Brooks song “I’m A Bitch” ?
I’m hereby declaring it to be the Complicated Mama theme song- and not because of the title, but because of the lyrics and the message.
Yesterday, I wrote 2 posts about my fears and anxieties about my son going into Kindergarten. All – very- real- genuine- emotions.
Today, I experienced more fears and anxieties as I nearly had a melt down when I received a paper in the mail that my son was chosen for the afternoon session. Beyond the fact that smack in the middle of the day sounded like a 1 year jail sentence to me, seeing those short 2 1/2 hours written on paper in front of my face made me realize, what I knew all along- for us, 2 1/2 hours is not going to work. He needs to be in full time.
Every time I talk about it, it sounds contradictory to the emotions I was just feeling yesterday, but its not. I still am very nervous about putting my 5 yr old into “big boy school”- but I also know in my heart that he is ready for it… and so am I, no matter how nervous I am.
I can say this confidently because for the past 5 years it’s been a big mess of conflicting emotions and I have felt like the Mommy version of Goldie Locks – looking for what is “juuustt right” for my family, and trying to rediscover myself in this always evolving and changing role as a mother- (Funny how “What to expect when expecting” left out the chapter of postpartum rediscovery)
I worked in corporate America full-time, 12 hour days, to find myself feeling disconnected from my child and my once eager sitters dropping like flies.
I switched my schedule to work part-time from home to find myself taking calls in the shower stall hoping my colleagues wouldn’t hear my son singing Doodle Bops at the top of his lungs in the next room.
Interviewed daycare centers til my husband and I were blue in the face, all to find ourselves playing rocks, paper, scissors to decide who was going to call out every time he ended up sick from the germ infirmary school we so carefully selected.
And then 3 long virus’ and 5 fevers later, I heard the statement that would change my life completely….
“When I was home with my kids, those were the happiest years of my life”
I remember hearing this and thinking- Happy… that’s what I want! This must be what I am missing! What I didn’t realize is that Motherhood is not one size fits all. So while being home with my kids and being able to take them to the park on a sunny afternoon is wonderful, the day to day is tough, and constant, and I’m not sure I personally would classify it as “the happiest”.
With Kindergarten now on our horizon, my days are filled with my sons repeated requests to teach him how to spell new words or help him read books… As I type this he is sitting in the living room trying to do math equations with his Toy Story toys- for real. “If you take away buzz and Jessie… there is just Woody… That is one”. Its adorable, and amazing… and constant. He is ready.
So, finally, this Goldie Locks is realizing what is best for her family, is what is best for herself. For now, this means Complicated Mama gets a break to grow some of her other passions beyond being a mother, and The Complicated Boy gets to go to grow his passion for learning and socialize with other kids – for more than 2 1/2 hours.… and that is “Juussst Right”.
