With my past two pregnancies, I didn’t journal. It’s my one regret looking back, because you forget. You think you won’t… or you just take the moments, the changes, your experiences for granted a bit and think- “well, why would I need to remember that?” But take it from me, 4 and 8 years later– you will want to remember.
So, my apologies to anyone who could care less about pregnancy chatter, but this time around I’m documenting it. Promise my feelings won’t be hurt if you skip through these posts.
I’m not above selfies in the bathroom mirror. Expect to see more.
With the first trimester just about behind me, I can now confess that this time around- the first trimester sucked.
Sorry, it did. While I was fortunate in not experiencing morning sickness, I felt like I was experiencing life-sickness. I mentioned the exhaustion in my previous post– but I find myself feeling like I can’t translate the level of exhaustion. I’m talking muscles aching, taking 2 hour sold-sleep naps in the middle of the day kind of exhaustion that after a while, truly started to feel like depression.
I knew that what I was experiencing I had no control over, but I’m a work at home mother of two, who is gearing up (at least mentally) for a move next month. Lying around the house felt lazy to me, and yet I couldn’t muster up the energy to do much more.
When people asked “How are you feeling?” I almost wished I could have said “ugh, the morning sickness has been awful”, because that sounded way more justified than “I’m so tired, I could cry”.
Around week 10 though it got better… I had energy, I started going for walks. I was still ready for bed at 9pm, but during the day, I felt great. 2nd doctor’s appointment went swimmingly, and we decided to make our big announcement, and then came the scare.
I woke up that Saturday morning to get ready to take a trip to Philly for an event. What to wear? What to wear? As I looked through my closet, I felt it and ran to the bathroom. I was bleeding. I screamed. I scared the crap out of James, we dropped the kids at the in laws and went to the ER.
The ER staff was amazing, but served up some honesty I wasn’t ready to hear “Until 22 weeks, there is nothing we can do to save a pregnancy. While we do not know why you are bleeding, if you are miscarrying, unfortunately there is nothing we will be able to do.”
As we waited for a sonogram, the thoughts that ran through my head, ran faster than I could fully think them.
What would we tell the kids?
What kind of Mother am I that I allowed us to share this news with them so early on?
The picture! … Oh, God. The picture of their smiling faces that I just shared with the world. I am a horrible, awful Mother.
I’m not strong enough for this.
James, comforted me and tried to put these horrible thoughts at bay even though he was just as scared as I was– possibly more as he didn’t even have an inkling as to what I could feel physically.
Finally, we had our sonogram and saw our little “Blueberry” kicking about.
Heart rate was great. Everything looked great. I’ve never felt such relief in my life.
I spent the next few days on bed rest and while ultimately there wasn’t an answer for why the bleeding happened, my doctor assured me sometimes it does happen and can be totally normal.
I’ve been feeling ok since then, got the ok to get my hair did {at last!!} and just feel extremely fortunate that what we experienced was just a scare.
My appetite is… just weird. I have days where I’m fine and then other days where the mere mention of food… ANY food… food that I once LOVED- just makes me want to vomit. Definitely never had that with the other two.
I’ve gained 5 lbs and ALL in my hip area – which feels o so familiar– no surprises there. I see all these women posting their perfectly cute and high bumps and am instantly envious. I’ve never shown like that. Ever.
Though, tighter- I can still button most of my regular jeans but must confess have opted for maternity pants on a few days simply because I can.
Seriously, buttons? zippers? Why do we torture ourselves? Elastic bands and panels are ugly but gloriously comfy. I’m taking full advantage.
